Notorious.

Two rap colossuses.

Two unsolved murders.

The east coast-west coast beef of the mid 90s seem all but distant memory already.However,the release of "notorious" in theaters this week threatens to both immortalize as well as reopen old,painful wounds.

There seems little contest in the rap world that the notoriuos BIG and Tupac Shakur were the two most gifted,most talented rappers that ever lived.

Both were also consumed by the bitter,often blown-out-of-proportion rift between the east coast and west coast crowds at the time.

When Shakur survived a NY shooting in '94 and implicated biggie and puff daddy,the auto button had been pushed in a short mad stage play that would have a disastrous ending.An ending that deprived the music and poetry world of witnessing the full potentials of two really rare talents.

The raging rivalry between puffy's bad boy records and Suge Knight's deathrow together with the patently troubled and dysfunctional childhoods endured by both Tupac and Biggie combined to ensure the story really had no alternative ending.

With both their lives lived in and out of prison,setting an unfortunate precedence for today's rappers as some kind of right of passage,the law got really tired of these two enigmas at some point and often appeared at a loss as to what to do with them.Lesser charges were frequently dropped altogether.

In the hour after the Tyson bout ended in Las Vegas in '96,a lot happened that will probably never be exactly known as several accounts of events exist.Shakur succumbed to respiratory failure.He failed to cheat death a second time.

What was probably considered an affront to the west coast establishment was Biggie's appearance in LA barely a year after the Tupac assasination.He was booed out of a Toni Braxton award he was presenting.Hours later he,too,was dead.

Today's rapsters have made giant strides towards suppressing the violent rivalries.However,their dalliances with the law still remain a constant feature.DMX is still in jail.So is TI on firearm related charges.

Jay-Z and Puff Daddy are currently high flying executives.They have both since moved out of the hood.They have discovered that it is probably just as important to stay alive as it is to finally get it all together.

Hopefully the inauguration of Barack Obama next week will raise new hopes for black kids in the sort of neighbourhoods Shakur and Biggie grew up in,to show them that there are alternatives to thug life.

I look forward to seeing "notorious" in my local Cineplex.

Thank you

I will use this opportunity to express my profound gratitude to all the family and friends who either called my home/cell phone,wrote on my facebook wall or sent me an email or private facebook inbox message on my birthday.

You certainly made me feel loved.You all made my day.Thanks also to the new birthday calendar tool on facebook I guess...since, as someone has already pointed out,it is so much easier to 'remember' birthdates these days with that Facebook tool.

Nonetheless,thanks are in order as people could simply have ignored the prompts when it comes up.It takes love.

To all those who were too busy or who simply felt no need to send wishes,I still love you nonetheless.

Thank you all.

OMC

Man Utd 3-Chelsea 0

There is a syndrome in Psychiatry called the Capgras syndrome.

In this syndrome,the patient suddenly fails to recognize close family members and loved ones while being fully conscious and in contol of his faculties.It is called "misidentification" in plain English.

I certainly had a dose of what that must feel like for patients today as I watched a very insipid and spineless display from my beloved Chelsea at Old Trafford.That was so not Chelsea.

Under the special one,Chelsea may not score a hatful of goals on their off days,but they certainly never conceded a hatful either...not even against their main rivals.Those games were the goaless draws or low scoring score draws of the Mourinho era.The same games that earned us the "borin',borin' chelsea tag from our bitter rivals and their fans who were frustrated that their sweet brand of football couldn't unlock us even on our bad day.

All that is now history.Big Phil has changed all that.At least the colorless Avram Grant still kept a modicum of that Mourinhoid steele about the team.

Chelsea are no Arsenal or Barca...we are not genetically moulded to entertain.That entertaining craving is what has driven Arsenal into the ditch they are in...I don't want that for Chelsea.

The title was always going to come down to this game in one way or the other.Man Utd were coming into this with 3(three!) games in hand on Liverpool,the current league leaders.It was a matter of whether Chelsea could halt United's inexorable ascent towards the top of the table in the quest to defend their title.

United even started a rookie center half!There was no Ferdinand.I must confess though that I think young Johny Evans will eventually mature into a more than decent center half in the not too distant future..

The big loser in all this has to be Rafa Benitez after his needless rant during the week against Alex Ferguson.It should be interesting to see his face now.His team must now realize that anything less than a win when they visit Old Trafford in a couple of weeks will mean another dashed hope of returning to their glory days of Ian Rush,Kevin Keegan and Peter Beardsley of the 70s and 80s.

As far as Chelsea is concerned,I am still struggling with my misidentification.We need to now look critically at the team and its philosophy.If Roman wishes to make an Arsenal or Barca out of my darling team,I will not leave SW8 for him,for I have supported this team since the days of Denis Wise,Ruud Gullit and Gianfraco Zola...long long before the Roman ship sailed from the red square...and long before the several new supporters who are generally scorned as "fair whether fans" by our bitter rivals.I will expect him to do what is honorable and either change course or leave SW8.

This much I will say:I hereby concede the 2008/2009 title to Man Utd.See y'all in the Champions league....if we get past the old lady of Turin.

The Scam.

The Scam that failed
Reuben Abati

I have always read stories about different kinds of scams that Nigerians have turned into an emergent symbol of the Nigerian national character much to the dismay and discomfiture of the more decent and civilized majority. Professor Pat Utomi's name was once used by some people to solicit for funds. I was one of the concerned friends who quickly drew his attention to the scam. The Punch website was also once hacked into.

The newspaper had to quickly alert its readers. When a story was put out on President Yar'Adua's alleged resignation from office, through the News Agency of Nigeria's official e-mail, it was an astonished nation that was told that this was the handiwork of hackers. The scammers caused so much furore and discomfort. Yesterday, it happened to me too. This is clearly a case of knowing where the shoe pinches only when you wear it. It is not funny at all.

When fraudsters try to tarnish your image, cause you undeserved distress and malign you, you are forced to wonder why Nigerians are so cruel. There is so much cruelty in the hearts and hands of many of our compatriots. Too many sadists in this land. I was on my way to the office when my phone began to ring. The caller had stated clearly that she suspected that some people had hacked into my e-mail. I kept asking her: are you sure? How? It turned out that she had received an e-mail asking her to contribute a sum of N250, 000 to help save Reuben Abati's daughter. It is pointless paraphrasing this e-mail that went round to nearly all my contacts yesterday morning. Titled "Emmergency" (sic), it is reproduced as follows unedited:

Hello,

This is an emergency , i seriously consider you to help me with sum of 250,000 Naira which i will pay immediately i get back, i am on a Conference in India , I will be back on the 15th of January 2009. My Daughter is seriously in need of medical attention after he was involved in an accident in Lagos , she is now at a private hospital waiting for medical solution and she has been asked to make payment the same above amount before further medical treatment will be continue,

i don't want to loss her. Hope to hear a positive news from you . I

don't want other to know about this, do keep it to yourself, all i need at

the moment is 250,000 as a loan for her medical deposit so that the Doctor can save her life, i can not send money from where i am now.

I am very confused and desperate and i don't seem to understand why this thing is happening to me, i promise to refund you your money immediately i get back home .Please kindly contact the doctor via email

dr.ojolowoonline@googlemail.com or call 070411505005 to know who and where to send the money. I am trusting you that you will do the needful immediately

Regards

Mr Reuben Abati

The first phone call that I received was followed by an endless stream of calls. I practically couldn't do much yesterday other than explaining to people that "i am not on a Conference in India", and that my daughter is not involved in any accident, so she is not in need of a "medical solution." Yes, I don't want to "loss" my daughter, but I am not by God's grace in any "confused or desperate" situation. Concerned friends who immediately saw through the scam reported to me later that they told the scammer to go to hell. They had great fun condemning the grammatical howlers in the solicitous mail.

One very nice guy sent a mail later in the day telling me that he was sure I lack the capacity to write such pathetic prose that flowed from the pen of "Mr Reuben Abati". Thank you sir. But some other friends decided to take on the fellow. They called Dr Ojolowo's line, only to hear some muffled sounds in the background: a kind of indistinct "hello; listening". Others sent mails to Dr Ojolowo expressing concern and offering to help. Such persons were given a bank account number, with a name and address. Dr Ojolowo. What a name! Translated, it means money is like rainfall.

The full name in Yoruba is actually: "Ojolowo ko mo enikan" (Money is like rainfall, it can fall on anyone). Dr Ojolowo and his accomplices wanted a Naira Rain using my name and expressing negative thoughts about my daughter. They wanted a rain of foreign currency too. Their e-mail traveled as far as Senegal, Canada, the United Kingdom, Tanzania, South Africa, indeed all over the world. In an age of technology, the new media of the internet has closed all spaces, and so much good or evil can be transported worldwide within an instant.

I was lucky I got to know about the scam early. So I was told. Friends later regaled me with stories about how others have had either their mobile phones or e-mails compromised. One old man sent N800, 000 to an account when he received a text message telling him that his son had been involved in an accident and money was needed urgently to save his life. There was nothing wrong with his son. Mobile phones and e-mails are used in other parts of the world in a constructive and positive manner. A growing population of Nigerians has turned these into tools of crime and abuse.

We continue to argue about how increased penetration of telephony and the computer could help raise literacy and communication standards in Africa. But the Nigerian is busy in front of the computer using it to hack into people's mails and bank accounts. Yes, such things happen in other parts of the world too, but the growth of cyber crime in Nigeria is frightening. It is even more so as there isn't in place a proper legal framework yet, or technology, for tracking and dealing with cybercrime in Nigeria. The only "medical solution" that we all need is to beware of the fraudsters in our midst. They cause us so much heartache. They destroy the image of our country. They draw attention to the failure of values in our society. We must render their trade unprofitable by becoming vigilant. Individuals yes. But corporate establishments also, especially banks which may become special targets soon.

I wanted to access my e-mail to assess the extent of damage. Doing so was difficult. The mail box kept telling me that my password was wrong. I eventually managed to access the mailbox after admitting that I had problems with my password. I followed the yahoo prompts. The hackers had tried to clean up their act a bit. Although their mail was sent to virtually everyone in my mail list, I met only about five of such mails in the sent folder. Further checks revealed an alert from Yahoo indicating that my password was changed at 7. 04 am on January 8, 2009.

I also later discovered that a special bank account was opened around 10 am, the same day, specially for the exercise? And the criminals went to work on my friends and associates soon after. But who knows how many account numbers they actually opened for the purpose. And how many banks they used. And whether anyone has sent money into those accounts believing that I was truly in need. I didn't realize I was so marketable until yesterday. Those guys wanted to turn my name into a cash cow. The idiots. They can't even compose a successful paragraph in English. They can't even spell e-m-e-r-g-e-n-c-y.

But I confess I was rattled. I was shivering, panicking, and trying all possible means to stop people from parting with their hard-earned money. I ended up with instant diarrhea. My cousin, Tunji, who was with me when the news broke had to stay with me for the better part of the day. He left only when he was sure I had calmed down a bit. To survive in Nigeria obviously requires super-human skills and effort. The hackers had suggested that I wanted a loan. They were going to borrow money in my name from thousands of people. And they used my exact e-mail. The message was sent from my box not a look-alike. There is nothing I hate like taking a loan. My wife thinks that there is nothing wrong with it. But whenever I got persuaded to take a loan to sort out anything, I would immediately lapse into a prolonged bout of insomnia. So, the word "loan" is not a very important word in my private dictionary.

The sad end of this story is that some friends took the scam mail seriously. One of them wrote saying he is "deeply sorry about this matter". He volunteered to "source funds from his friends in high places." Please don't. But the happy side of it all, I guess, is nipping the scam in the bud before much damage was done. My daughter and I also received so many prayers from well-wishers and family relations. "God will forbid any such thing as a motor accident in your life." "God will protect you and your family". "God is on your side, my brother." That God was brought into the matter should not be surprising. God must have heard the name Reuben Abati so many times yesterday, He must have wondered: who is this fellow?

I claim all the good wishes with gratitude. In the nature of things, all the positive thoughts flowing from those illumined souls who responded to the suggestions of the evil-doers, with prayers, had cancelled out the negative thoughts in the scam mail. In the presence of light, darkness melts into nothingness. Tonight, when voices become echoes, I shall pray for those scammers... And for our leaders that God will touch their hearts so that we can avoid the conditions that have created this army of scammers: Yahoo Yahoo boys and girls.

*Culled from the Guardian

Reuben Abati is Editor of the Guardian,a leading Nigerian Daily.

Days and numbers.

Okay.

It is my birthday today.My phone has been ringing off the hook and my facebook wall is full of wishes from friends and family.

I was just allowing my mind to roam after a busy day in the hospital this afternoon when the phrase "teach us to number our days" somehow sneaked into my subconscious.

It somewhat resurrected a life long debate I have always had with myself.What is actually important in life?. Where should a man lay emphasis in his daily life?.

The simple answer to this simple question depends on your philosophical and religious beliefs.If you are very religious, you would be quick to say "live everyday for God". If you are a free thinker,you probably want to have as much fun as possible before leaving the stage.

Whatever your belief,you probably have thought about the end of your days at least once.

Today, I saw a pretty sick middle aged man with end stage cirrhosis(liver failure of some sort) who had just been told he would die pretty soon.He's now hospice care.

Hospice is a philosophy of care for the terminally ill to make their transition into the beyond as comfortable as it could be.

When I walked into his room,he looked like a ghost. With sunken eyeballs and guttering of interdigital spaces,he was cachectic and bloated at the same time. Tattooed over his right forearm was a voluptous blonde, and he had some blings on his fingers that could no longer come off due to soft tissue swelling.His fingertips bore telltale signs of decades of nicotine staining.

Even his current medical condition has been linked to years of excessive alcohol abuse.

He was now under no illusions about his end being very near.For him,it would soon all be over.

However,all over the world today, people will die who have nothing like what this gentleman has.Someone will sleep and just fail to wake up.Another might be run over by a car.Scores more might yet meet their sudden end from an Isreali cluster bomb in Gaza today.

So when we celebrate birthdays,what are we really celebrating?Another year of opportunity or a year closer to the grave?I guess it depends on whether you are a "half-full" or "half-empty" person.

Whatever you choose,make sure when you leave,people will be able to associate your memory with something.Be somebody.Do something.

It is simply not enough to just exist or to chase after excellence in your narrow field of work without touching any other life (for better or for worse!).Don't be anonymous.

For my patient and thousands more for whom today would be their last,I hope their tombs would not read "Here lies Mr(or Ms) Anonymous".

TV Wars

I exposed my utter ignorance and lack of awareness of recent changes in the showbiz arena few days ago.

My wife inadvertently noticed my consternation at not seeing Paula Abdul seated amongst the idol judges while watching a rerun of "American Idol rewind".She gladly informed me that she had left for another contract and had now been replaced by Kara DioGuardi.

In shame, I rushed to google idol judges for 2008/2009 and was able to confirm the addition of Kara.What was still a misery was whether Paula is still one of the judges.The official Paula Abdul website had news on every other thing including the new series of "Hey Paula" and her forthcoming TV appearances but nothing on her Idol status.

I have always liked Paula. I hope she stays on the idol.I must confess though, that I am not an avid idol fan.That explains my ignorance of the planned changes.

What is really of greater interest to me,however is the forthcoming battle royale between the Fox network and ABC.

The producers at ABC have taken the audacious decision of going head to head with Idol by placing their greatly anticipated reality TV series "Homeland Security" on Idol air time.

Several idol fanatics will rush to tell me that there will be no contest there.However, having seen some sneak-peeks of the new ABC series,I'm not very sure.

It will be equally interesting to see how Jay Leno fares in his head-t0-head match-up against AC-360.I have never stayed up late to see Leno,even though I know he's one of the funniest in America.The major news networks always play snipets of his previous night's jokes,so I'd always felt I didn't miss an awful lot.

NBC is losing many battles on all fronts,and it will be a major breakthrough if Leno wins this one against CNN's Anderson Cooper who is now actually bigger than TV...he's a celebrity in his own right.

What will be sufficient consolation for many of us with a busy schedule anyways is that DVR continues to be a life saver.None of these programs lose the appeal on playback...they are not the superbowl,so I am perfectly happy to watch them all on playback marathon on a lazy Saturday.

Yipee!!

OMC

Gaza

I have Jewish friends.

I also have Arab friends.

All my friends know me better than to expect me to shirk away from writing on controversial topics.Not even the middle east quagmire is out of bounds for me.

They all also know me enough to know that I will not give a toss if they decide to delete me from their friends' list after reading this note.So if you are not like most of my friends,stop reading right now

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First, a disclaimer.

This writer has no interest in establishing right and wrong on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.He also does not profess to be an expert in history of any kind,religious or military.But like all sensible citizens of the world,he would like to see a peaceful and prosperous world.

The world has certainly gotten tired of the tantrums endlessly emanating from the middle east.The proof of that is the muted response that has greeted another round of carnage in the Gaza strip.The rest of the world is focussed on resurrecting a global economy currently on life support.

Four Israelis have been killed by rocket fire from Hamas militants so far while five hundred Palestinians have been killed,one hundred of them civilians.Several are children and women.And the killings have just begun as thousands of Isreali special forces mount a ground assault under cover of darkness, armed with night visors and goggles.These images are eerilly similar to the American invasion of Baghdad in 2002. Ehud Omert will be hoping his forces fare much better than the Americans have so far.

In the history of the world,unscrupulous men of power and means have repeatedly reached their lofty ideological goals by sacrificing the lives of innocent civilians and the weak.On both sides of the conflict we have heady leaders who would stop at nothing to achieve their ideological goals.It is time for the regular folks to say no.Since I was old enough to follow news on TV or radio,it's been one breaking news or the other from this troubled region.

Although there is enough convincing argument from both sides to confound an average neutral onlooker to perplexed muteness,neutrals are no longer interested in who is right or wrong,aggressor or oppressed,everyone just wants this madness to stop.

It is a long long way from that famous picture of Bill Clinton sandwiched between Yasser Arafat and Yitshak Rabin on the front lawn of the white house in 1993,signing the Oslo accord,resurrecting hopes of another camp David accord.It was not to be.

Rabin was assassinated and a scheming,demented Arafat expired.

The history of Isreal as a nation will make interesting reading for any of my audience who wishes to update themslelves on wikipedia.It is only sixty years long.It is certainly not my intention to copy and paste wikipedia and bore you all to death.

It is however instructive to learn that while strict christian theological historians and bible scholars would have us all believe that the Israel nation was promised a return to the holy land,Palestinians were nonetheless met on the ground when the earliest wave of Jewish immigration began after the first world war.The Jews were fleeing nazi persecution.

The strength of the Israeli nation was initially bolstered and almost solely sustained by American military and economic support upon the latter's emergence as the sole world superpower following the second world war.Since then,the Isrealis have emerged as a nuclear power and a self sufficient nation economically and militarily.Israel boasts the 44th highest GDP in the world.

Put that in context,more than 10 million people live in Lagos alone,the commercial capital of Nigeria...that is more than the total population of Israel! Nonetheless,American economic and military aid to the Israelis continue due to the strategic relationship they maintain.

The timing of Olmert's current operation is revealing.Missiles did not start firing into the Isreali southern bother with Gaza just yesterday.It's been an on-going feature even throughout the much talked about Egyptian brokered ceasefire agreement.The leaders at the Knesset are well aware that a new regime is in-coming to washington.It is unclear how an Obama administration might approach Israel.

Tactically,it would be much easier for Israel to listen to "pleas" from Obama to end an invasion than to deal with an open restraint againt starting one from the new American president at the cost of lost aid.While considering such a plea,the troops already on the ground can still pound Hamas targets and root out missile factories prior to any withdrawal.

The problem with all this naked show of military power is that it is so twentieth century.Israel should have learnt its lesson from both it's earlier Hezbollah offensive in Lebanon and America's monumental failure in Iraq.The enemy of the twenty-first century is largely faceless,in caves or amongst civilians in heavily populated areas.They hide in the hills of Tora Bora,Afghanistan, or the slums of Gaza.They operate in abandoned old collapsing buildings in Fallujah.No amount of artillery bombardment can decisively defeat such an enemy.Invading forces always lose in urban warfare,ask Vietnam vets.There has to be another more sensible way.

A major issue is where the prevailing local Arab opinion lies.Israel has made no new Arab friends with its latest offensive.Muslims all around the world daily stage protests in front of western embassies against the invasion.It is hard for muslims not to perceive this as a war against their brothers.In doing so though,many of the protesters ignore the fact that Hamas continues to throw missiles into southern Israel even as the invasion began.

Hamas and Hezbollah,while they benefit from my earlier analysis of urban warfare in conflicts like this,nonetheless cut a very familiar picture at the back of my mind. It is that of my 3-year old son provoking 8-year olds at a friend's party.For every tiny smack he delivered,he got absolutely clobbered.He has since learnt his lesson.

Hamas and Hezbollah have both sworn not to ever learn their lessons.And Israel too,sadly, continues to display astonishing anterograde amnnesia.All that the rest of us want is for all this to stop.

The challenge is how?

A friend recently suggested that this all happens to fulfil a biblical curse.He quoted some scripture that condemns descendants of Esau and Jacob to perpetual warfare.He reckons Jews are descended from Jacob and Arabs from Esau.If he's right,there will be no solution to this,and my great grand children will still read about trouble in the West Bank and the Gaza strip.

At the rate things are going currently,will there still be a Gaza strip, a West Bank or I dare say, an Isreal at that time?

I don't know.

Syndrome of the week

Progeria

Progeria is a condition that resembles premature aging. The term usually refers specifically to Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria syndrome, an extremely rare condition where symptoms resembling some aspects of aging are manifested at an early age, and few affected children live past age 13. About 1 in 8 million babies are born with this condition. It is a genetic condition, but occurs sporadically and is usually not inherited.
Scientists are particularly interested in progeria because it might reveal clues about the normal process of aging.

The earliest symptoms include failure to thrive (FTT) and a localized scleroderma-like skin condition. As the child ages past infancy, additional conditions become apparent. Limited growth, alopecia, and a distinctive appearance with small face and jaw and pinched nose all are characteristic of progeria. The people diagnosed with this disease usually have small, fragile bodies like those of elderly people.
Later the condition causes wrinkled skin, atherosclerosis and cardiovascular problems.

No treatments have been proven effective. Most treatment focuses on reducing complications such as cardiovascular disease, such as heart bypass surgery or low-dose aspirin. Children may also benefit from a high-calorie diet.
Growth hormone treatment has been attempted.
A type of anti-cancer drug, the farnesyltransferase inhibitors (FTIs), have been proposed, but their use has been mostly limited to animal models. A phase II clinical trial using the FTI Lonafarnib began in May 2007.

There is no known cure. Few people with progeria exceed 13 years of age. At least 90% of patients die from complications of atherosclerosis, such as heart attacks or strokes.
Mental development is not affected. The development of symptoms is comparable to aging at a rate six to eight times faster than normal, although certain age-related conditions do not occur. Specifically, patients show no neurodegeneration or cancer predisposition. They do not develop "wear and tear" conditions commonly associated with aging, like cataracts and osteoarthritis.

Currently, there are between 35 and 45 known cases in the world. Approximately 100 cases have been formally identified in medical history.

The new Brad Pitt movie;"The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton" (released Christmas day,2008) is based on Progeria, but takes extreme liberty to minimize severity of symptoms and paints an unrealistically optimistic picture of the documented prognosis.

OMC

The Curious case.

As we braved the outside cold to complete the short walk from the parking lot to the local Regal Theater in Willoughby after a hefty dose of New year meal at my cousin's, each of us had no idea what we were about to subject ourselves to.
I had a particular bad habit of sleeping off midway into any movie starting later than 19:00 anyways, so my expectations were not set that high.

It was more about my other cousin and his wifey rather than anything else.It was their first visit to yankee and they wanted to compare the local theater to the new sprouting silverbed cinemas in Lagos.
Nobody was in any mood for popcorn, so we just consoled ourselves with the kind warmth of the interior as the Farhenheit was now clocking the teens. It was January in Ohio afterall!

The particular screen we were assigned happened to be one of the smaller ones. The other theater goers were feasting on us as usual. The sight of two black couples,both ladies heavily pregnant, arriving late to a movie theater in Lake County was not particularly commonplace.
My wife knew I revel in this kind of situations especially since November 4th 2008...so she allowed me to slow down our collective pace...so they can all have thier fill.It's not often I get to be the cynosure of all eyes!

The movie was an A+ for me...if only for the fact that I did not bat an eyelid throughout its 167 minutes!. Brad Pitt was in his elements. Even if the plot could not be made to be even remotely believable to the dumbest medical student, one had to give it up to the effort that went into the construction of the deceit.

Progeria is a severe medical condition that was ominously made to look cool in this movie. I am not sure that the Progeria support groups would be flattered.
Whatever one's misgivings about the extreme liberty David Fincher took in directing this twisted love story, Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett deserve praise for making it all look even remotely enjoyable.

Must see.

OMC

New Year giggles.

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?
Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?
Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least £500 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
18. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
19. Personal goal: bring back disco!
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The bell sounded the end of Round Four and battling Bob retired to his corner.
"How am I doing?" he asked his manager.
"Do you think I've hurt him?"
"No," said the manager, "but keep on swinging. The breeze might give him pneumonia."!!
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" !