Comedy Central !

By Reuben Abati
"WHAT is Professor Adenike Grange saying, the woman formerly known as Minister of Health, and now a guest of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC)?"

"She resigned. Or rather, she and her Minister of State, Gabriel Aduku were directed by the President to resign, or be dismissed, for disobeying the President, and secondly, for supervising the misapplication of N300 million of unspent public funds in the Ministry of Health in December 2007".

"I know, I know those details. What I am interested in is what she is now saying. I read her statement, and I thought rather than show contrition, she was somewhat cheeky".

"Be careful. That Madam is 68 years old. A distinguished Professor of Paediatrics and certainly, one person who had a real chance of standing out in the Yar'Adua Government".

"Which, in fact, makes her case, a Greek tragedy. And it is a pity that she does not seem to understand what has happened to her?"

"How?"

"You take a look at her resignation statement which the papers have published. She says she accepts responsibility, but not the blame. Meaning what? She says her resignation is not an admission of guilt but rather a path of honour; Empty play on words if you ask me. What is clear is that a priona focie case of corruption has been established against her. For someone of her status, this is a tragedy already. She is leaving office in disgrace."

"But let's get something straight. She insists that she did not collect the N7 or N10 million she was offered as her share of the loot".

"So, she was aware that money was she being shared?"

"The point is that she did not share out of the loot. And I believe in her statement, she complained about the level of decay and corruption within the Ministry and the whole Nigerian system".

"I see. I didn't know she is also a Pastor. I don't like public officials grunbling and passing the buck. She was made Minister of Health so she could help set standards in the ministry and deliver service. If she went in there, and blew her chance, the only thing she should offer, first and foremost, is an apology. I'm sorry. I failed. I disappointed you all. Simple."

"The woman is a professional, she says she is not into the culture of politics and intrigues."

"Let her say that to the EFCC or to the courts."

"I think you are a bit harsh. This is a woman who has distinguished herself as a paediatrician saving the lives of women and children and who has made notable contributions in the field of maternal and child health. President of the International Paediatric Association, and an active member of The Partnership for maternal, newborn and child health.

"Is that what the EFCC is investigating? Who is doubting her credentials as a professional? What is being questioned is her leadership ability and her integrity?"

"I think she is just unfortunate. The truth is that public service is a rather slippery terrain for professionals. This is not so much about Professor Nike Grange but about the Nigerian system. The matter really goes beyond her. You'd recall that she had also made the point that she was misled by the civil servants."

"Every political appointee who makes a mistake is forever quick to blame the civil servants. This is Patricia Etteh all over again. Mrs. Etteh also blamed the civil servants around her. And only recently, Dr. Olusegun Agagu, Governor of Ondo State, while giving account of his stewardship as Minister of Power and Steel before the House Committee on Power which is probing the $16 billion scam in the power sector said it was not his duty to check if contracts were being awarded to ghost companies or not. He too blamed the civil servants."

"But you know the Nigerian civil service is rotten."

"I agree. And I think it is a good thing that all the Directors, the Chief Accountant and the Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Health under Adenike Grange are all being questioned."

"It is really a comment on the Nigerian system. There is an established culture of money sharing at all levels of government. And what perfect time to share money than December, the end of the year, under the cover of Christmas bonus".

"Civil servants are not entitled to Christmas bonus. There is no such thing. In this particular case, what we are dealing with is the abuse of privilege, and subversion of due process. Every December 15, Ministries are required to stop all further expenditures. By December 30, they are required, according to existing rules to make returns to the Presidency, to give an outline of budget performance for the year ending. Whatever monies remain unspent are to be returned."

"Yes. In December 2007, President Yar'Adua gave such a directive."

"That rule has always been there. Yar'Adua didn't invent it".

"But it was not observed in the past. Ministers and their civil servants simply found ways of sharing whatever was left."

"In the case of this unhealthy development in the Ministry of Health, the Minister and her people disobeyed the President and flouted the regulations. Two, no Minister can approve money above the limit of N50 million, but Grange and Co. found a way of spreading N300 million on phoney contracts and gifts to themselves and others. Tell me, what has that got to do with being a professional?"

"The Senate Committee on Health, chaired by Senator Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello, the former First Daughter, also received a gift of N10 million from the Ministry of Health. The House of Reps Committee on Health also got a gift of N10 million."

"Some Senators are saying this is in order."

"Well, I don't think so. How can the legislature perform its oversight functions if it is always collecting gifts or receiving sponsorships for seminars etc from the same government departments it is expected to monitor? Something is not quite right there."

"Baba's daughter keeps showing up in the news for all the wrong reasons. First, the Schneider controversy. Then, VAMED. And now, this unhealthy thing from the Ministry of Health."

"What is really curious is that the Ministry of Health spent N300 million on frivolous things: furniture, security device, generator, smoke detectors, fire extinguisher. If the money had been used to build a hospital, to buy drugs, or to provide some useful service in pursuit of the original fucntions of government, I would be the first to defend Professor Grange. But to sign away public funds on phoney contracts and to approve the distribution of gifts and now claim that you are blameless, that's pitiable."

"One thing though. The investigation of the abuse of public funds should be system - wide."

"You are quoting the Action Congress."

"No. I am expressing my own view. Because in matters like this, it is easy to turn a few persons into scapegoats. This thing is not just about the Ministry of Health. The Ministry of Health is in the news only because some aggrieved persons blew the whistle. Are there other Ministries where money was shared? Are there other National Assembly committees whose members collected kickbacks from Federal Ministries.? There are questions to which President Yar'Adua should demand answers."

"The worst that would happen is that the whole thing would be swept under the carpet. Very soon, everyone will forget. Including the media."

"And it'd be business as usual, again."

"It is a crazy country. I know. Here, anything and everything is possible."

"Look at the comedy of errors, in the aviation sector, for example, over the disappearance of Beechcraft 1900D belonging to Wings Aviation Limited."

"Which I hear is owned by a certain former Governor."

"The way the authorities have been mealy-mouthing over the disappearance of the Aircraft mid-air, between Lagos and Obudu airstrip makes me feel like having instant hypertension."

"By all means, please do. It's good for you."

"Hypertension good for you. I be I dey craze?"

"Sorry. Try a heart attack then. That'd be better."

"Look. I am serious. First they said they had found the aircraft. Twenty-four hours later, the Ministry of Aviation and the Civil Aviation Authority then came around to say that they were misled. It is about 13 days now, and there is absolutely no trace of the aircraft."

"Some people are saying may be there is now a Bermuda Triangle around the Obudu Cattle Ranch."

"That is silly talk. The truth is that in this country we cannot manage emergencies or accidents. Our air transportation system belongs to another century in a remote period. The Obudu Cattle Ranch is a major tourist destination and yet the Obudu airstrip does not have a radar system."

"The entire country does not have an efficient radar system. Many of our airports don't even have runway lights, or well-equipped control towers. Why won't a plane vanish into thin air, mid-flight?"

"But I read a story indicating that planes also disappear in other countries.."

"Is that the irresponsible propaganda the Ministry of Aviation is peddling instead of doing something about this mysterious aircraft?"

"No. I think they are doing something to be fair to them. All the villagers around the Obudu Cattle Ranch for example, are being mobilised to scout the area for any crashed aircraft. They say it is the trekking method of search and rescue. People are being asked to trek all the way to Cameroun, if possible."

"Thirteen days after the aircraft disappeared like a needle!"

"Herdsmen have also been taken to the area. The government is counting on their skills as nomads."

"I believe they should also involve the local hunters."

"Really everybody is involved in the big search for the missing aircraft. Housewives, artisans, even old men in retirement who can still move their limbs. The Cross River State Government is offering a reward of N47 million."

"Kai. Africans!"

"But you know, it is possible no aircraft is actually missing. This may just be an insurance claim gambit. Or something worse."

"I won't put anything beyond our people. But the bigger issue is the lack of capacity. When the Bellview plane crashed in 2005, five minutes after taking off from the Murtala Muhammed Airport, you'd recall the authorities first went on a wild goose chase to Ilorin. It took ordinary villagers and an AIT television crew to locate the aircraft, not too far away from the airport."

"When I reflect on all of this, I think what we really need is a strong intelligence gathering system. Many of the problems we face can be prevented by a functional national security system like the FBI in the United States."

"But the FBI was there and there was 9/11? We have the SSS. We have the NIA."

"I beg."

"Well, if the SSS had been up and doing, perhaps they would have been able to prevent the killing and maiming of innocent children in that school in Ibadan, where a wall collapsed and a school compound made up of sheds and iron sheets fell like a pack of cards."

"Living Water Nursery and Primary School, Olomi, Ibadan, owned by Pastor Living Waters."

"Pathetic."

"That is what you get in a country where public officials are busy sharing money instead of providing service. The international price of crude oil is over $100 per barrel, and yet Nigeria has nothing to show for this."

"At Pastor Living Water's private school, the children pay N1,500 per term. I guess the parents of those children patronise the private school because the public schools are worse."

"The State Police Command first announced that 13 pupils died, then we were later told that only two children died."

"Only two?"

"Yes only two, they said."

"I give up."

Syndrome of the Week

Neurofibromatosis is an autosomal dominant genetic disorder. It encompasses a set of distinct genetic disorders that cause tumors to grow along various types of nerves and, in addition, can affect the development of non-nervous tissues such as bones and skin.The tumors can grow anywhere on or in the body. Incidence is 1:3,000.

Neurofibromatosis was discovered in 1882 by the German pathologist Friedrich Daniel von Recklinghausen. He wrote on it and published it in Hämochromatose, Tageblatt der Naturforschenden Versammlung.
Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man, was once considered to have been afflicted with either elephantiasis or neurofibromatosis type I. However, it is now generally believed that Merrick suffered from the very rare Proteus syndrome or perhaps a combination of the two conditions.

Neurofibromatosis is considered a member of the neurocutaneous syndromes (phakomatoses). In addition to the types of neurofibromatosis, the phakomatoses also include tuberous sclerosis, Sturge-Weber syndrome and von Hippel-Lindau disease. This grouping is an artifact of an earlier time in medicine, before the distinct genetic basis of each of these diseases was understood.

In the television series Dallas, the inherited neurofibromatosis of the Barnes family is a driving plot device, although the portrayal of the condition does leave something to be desired in terms of scientific fact.
The disease is also a pivotal plot element in the Icelandic film Mýrin (Jar City) and Tainted Blood, the novel on which it was based.
Gillian Anderson, who played Scully on the X-Files, is a spokesperson and helps in the raising of money for neurofibromatosis, due to the fact that her brother suffers from the disease.

In November 2006, there was an hour-long documentary on the British television network Channel 4 about Facing the World, an organization that helps children with severe facial disfigurements in developing countries. One of the children featured on the documentary was Arianto, an Indonesian boy who suffered from a severe form of neurofibroma resulting in hemifacial giganticism.
In January 2008, 32-year-old Huang Chuncai of China underwent a second operation to remove another 9.9 lb (4.5 kg) of tumor from his face. A previous operation removed 33 pounds (15 kg) from what was originally a 55.7 lb (23 kg) tumor.

The title shake-down

This weekend,several things happened.

First,arsenal realized that the EPL is a marathon and not a sprint.

Second,Liverpool found out that in England,there is no "BIG FOUR",but there is a "big three".

Third,arsene wenger finally discovers how shallow emmanuel adebayor's talents are on the big occasions.

Fourth,the world watched the confirmation of Ronaldo's wizardry,if any was needed.

Fifth,mascherano proved that the legendary argentine temper can still boil over in 2008....this thing is taught in buenos aires schools!!

Sixth,its now official!!Referrees are gods who must be appeased in silent submission.

Seventh,Avram Grant realized that lampard and ballack do not have to play together.

Eighth,Pepe Reina is not as good as Benitez makes him out to be.

Ninth,the title race is still wide open with Man-Utd yet to play arsenal and chelsea!

Tenth,anyone who discounts Drogba's efficiency is a moron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sex, lies and texts

It's bone-chillingly cold in Detroit, and the big auto show is going on, but all anyone can talk about is the scandal consuming Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick--the one a local TV station calls "Sex, Lies and Texting." Once known as America's first hip-hop mayor, Kilpatrick, 37, had notably toned down his living-large lifestyle in his second term as the mayor of Motown. But this week, his partying past caught up with him.
The Detroit Free Press published text messages between Kilpatrick (who is married with children) and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty (divorced with children), that seem to confirm what both have denied under oath: that they had an illicit affair. "I've been dreaming all day about having you all to myself for three days," Kilpatrick texted Beatty on his city-issued pager in 2002, according to the Free-Press findings. "Relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping and making love."

Politics and sex scandals go together like peanut butter and jelly. Just ask Larry Craig and Bill Clinton. But what makes this one extraordinary are the lengths to which the forbidden lovers went to cover up their trysts. Back in April 2002, only four months into Kilpatrick's first term, rumors emerged of a wild party involving a stripper at the mayoral mansion. Around the same time, one of the mayor's bodyguards, Harold Nelthrope, reported that the mayor's personal police posse was running amuck, crashing cars and racking up overtime. Deputy Police Chief Gary Brown launched an investigation, which could have uncovered the clandestine couple. But two weeks into his investigation, Brown was fired. A month later, Brown and Nelthrope filed a whistleblower lawsuit against Kilpatrick and the city, which finally came to trial last summer. Kilpatrick and Beatty insisted under oath there was no affair and that they hadn't fired Brown. Even without the text messages that appear to maker liars out of them now, the jury found against Kilpatrick and the city. The case ended up being settled for $9 million of Detroit taxpayers' dollars--or, as the Free Press figured it, the equivalent of 126 police officers' salaries.

Now, Kilpatrick and Beatty could face perjury charges--a 15-year offense. The county prosecutor, Kym Worthy, announced Friday she is launching an investigation, which is expected to include how the Free Press obtained the text messages the city failed to turn over during the trial last summer. Worthy is promising to be "fair, impartial and thorough. We will not be rushed by anyone or anything."

Predictably, there is outrage all over Detroit and calls for the mayor's head. "He's an embarrassment and now it's proven he's a habitual liar," city union boss John Riehl, told NEWSWEEK. Riehl, who represents 900 Detroit workers in the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, is having them picket city hall on Wednesday to demand that Kilpatrick resign. "He's put Detroit's national image in the gutter."

You might think this down-on-it-wheels city of nearly 1 million people didn't have that far to fall, given the economic wreckage left by its sputtering signature industry. But after nearly losing his re-election bid in 2005, the mayor seemed to be maturing. The strapping former collegiate football player toned down the bling (he took out his big diamond stud earring) and subdued the swagger. He started to gain some traction in his efforts to clean up the city and attract new business. Super Bowl XL went off without a hitch two years ago, and Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert recently announced plans to move the headquarters of his company, Quicken Loans, to downtown Detroit. "This does not in any way alter Quick Loans or its sister companies from proceeding full speed ahead with our plans to build a headquarters in downtown Detroit," Gilbert said in a statement. "Our commitment is long term, and transcends any short-term event or challenge."

Still, if Kilpatrick is forced to resign, all business bets are off. Efforts could stall to upgrade and expand Cobo Hall, home to the annual Detroit Auto Show, which pumps a half billion much-needed dollars into the local economy. Already, the threadbare convention center is losing business to other auto shows in Los Angeles, Chicago and New York. Porsche, for example, skipped the Detroit show this year for the first time in 20 years. "If he leaves, I would hope we don't reverse the progress that's been made," says economist David Sowerby of Loomis Sayles, who just appeared with Kilpatrick at a press conference on Cobo Hall. "He was as gregarious and engaging as ever, but that was last week."